What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 10:37
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It was going to be , some day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
If there exists a “New York of Australia”, is it Sydney or Melbourne?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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I think the readers, may guess!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
What does it mean to live "the 'underconsumption' life"?
Especially a lifetime of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Put me off passion for life!!
Why do all the stupid people think Donald J. Trump is stupid?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was seconnd youngest,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I said to her
Atheists who have read the Bible and think that contains immoral things, why do you assume that?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We were not on the streets..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So whats the point in blame.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Ive learnt so much.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So, i spoilt her more .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My life is so biszare .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And i lived it daily.
This is soul school!.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He knew the spot.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I will be 64.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Comes on , in middle age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One cannot live in the past .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im still living with it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My family never makes their pension either.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But, we were locked up after school.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Who then, do I blame.?
She was in good health!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I never cut or harmed myself..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
All the time i was locked up.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I waited trembling.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She loved him until the end.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
When she asked me how she looked .
I was 9 years of age.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She found it foreign!.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Would this be the day?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was very sick at this time too.
She married twice! .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I couldn’t, believe it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But it wasn’t much.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We all went to grammer schools
What did i know ?
She wouldn,t have been !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I could never make a relationship work though!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I don,t even have a pension.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I have no regrets .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was scared of men, in general